MHAM Post #1: To Summarize – IDFK

I literally dread seeing my therapist every week. Is that weird???????????? IDFK, OK.

I have this really terrible problem of keeping everyone in my life at arm’s length, my therapist included. Clearly this is not a conscious choice of mine. I divulge my life and emotions on the internet for god’s sake. If I really wanted to keep people from knowing the true me, there is no way in hell this blog would exist.

The distance I keep is just a horrible habit and a defense technique stemming from my anxiety. I feel my safest when I’m pleasing others. I feel my happiest when people are proud of me. How could I possibly let my therapist, or anyone else for that matter, know me to my core?

It sounds crazy, I know. I talk all the time about how important mental health advocacy is. I preach nonstop about being strong enough to be your true self. I literally pay someone hundreds of dollars a week to get to know the deepest, darkest parts of me, yet I still find myself hiding behind a façade.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living a lie. How can I say I’m confident with myself and my life and my mental status if I still keep everyone a comfortable distance away? How can I yearn for that emotional intimacy yet feel genuinely sick to my stomach when I get even mildly close to experiencing it?

The amount of nights I’ve gone to bed alone, feeling broken. The amount of times I have wished someone would just fight for me to let them in.

I wish I knew all the answers. But if I did, clearly I wouldn’t still be wrestling with these problems.

I think it’s just important to remember no matter how happy and healthy someone may seem, they may still be fighting some inner demons.

That’s where I’m at right now. I’m constantly grappling with the inability to open myself up. I’m constantly wondering if I will ever be capable of love. I am constantly fearing whether or not I will ever be able to feel vulnerable.

Yet, I feel happy a great deal of the time too. Happiness isn’t black and white. Progress isn’t linear. But damn is it frustrating as hell sometimes to be stuck somewhere in the middle. Right now I’m somewhere in the grey. Aren’t we all though? Isn’t life just a mix of all the greys? And to go right back to where I started……….IDFK, OK.

(I really brought that one full circle, huh)