Suicide Prevention Awareness Month – Sammy

Today’s piece is written by one of my best friends, Sammy. My friendship with Sammy is the kind where I  can genuinely say we know each other to our cores and I really mean that. I can’t say that about very many other people.

With Sammy (and my other best friend from home, Gina) I feel so lucky. They are two of the only people I have ever met that can truly empathize with my feelings and emotions in their entirety. There is just some sort of unspoken connection we have – I can’t explain it, but I know it’s there. There’s just no other way to describe how well we understand and relate to each other. Without them, I would be lost. Without them, I would literally think I was broken. 

Sammy is always the first person I reach out to when it comes to my blogging ideas. For one, she inspires my creativity unlike anyone else – she’s always pushing me to try harder. For two though, I know she has amazing words that are worth sharing. I always want her thoughts and experiences to be part of my projects.

When Sammy sent me this piece, she said, and I quote, “I feel like a fraud, it’s not really about suicide.”

I want to stress that statement because I feel like it brings up such a great point. I feel like there are so many instances where we allow ourselves to belittle our own feelings, convincing ourselves that they’re not worthy of being acknowledged because they may not be the “norm” or the “extreme”.

Part of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month is acknowledging the fact that all experiences are different, but they are all equally as valid. Sammy’s experiences with suicidal thoughts are uniquely hers, as are everyone else’s. 

In my opinion, progress comes only after certain steps are taken. The first step is acknowledging that your feelings exist and are legitimate. The second step is voicing those feelings. Only after both of those steps, will you be able to accurately begin making positive change. 

It’s scary though! In most cases, it’s easier to brush off thoughts and emotions that we are struggling with. It’s easier to convince ourselves they’re not “bad enough” to be “real”. It’s easier to slide under the radar, silently grappling with our emotions, rather than acknowledging and vocalizing them. 

I can tell you from experience though, that the harder route brings so much more success and happiness. Your experiences and thoughts are so valid and they are so worth sharing. You are worth being cared for. You are worth progress and change. You deserve happiness.

Somehow, Sammy found the strength to share her words, regardless of the doubt and insecurity she initially expressed. I hope her words encourage some of you who may feel similarly to do the same. 

Check it out: 

I have this dream and it’s always the same. I’m in a mansion overlooking the ocean and the valleys of California. I walk through the french doors into the foyer, through the halls, until I’m standing where I can see the doors that lead to the back. The house is vacant and quiet but there is a woman outside in a long lace nightgown and long hair, both blowing in the wind. She’s standing on the balcony ready to leap into the unknown. I never see her face and I never try to save her, but I know who she is: she’s me. 

I need to emphasize something about this dream. It does not bring me satisfaction. It does not seem like an end to all my problems. It’s just one of many scenarios I craft up in my head when I want to end the thoughts and the sadness. 

I picture killing myself because it’s a way to picture killing the thoughts, but there is never a desire to kill me, the living human body form of me. I’ll keep the highs but I want to chuck the lows over a building, drown them in a tub, pour a bottle of pills down its throat until it is no more and I am left with only the positivity and the sanity that I know I am capable of. 

I was driving in the car the other day – the windows down, the music just right. It was one of those moments where I checked my surroundings and I felt the beauty of it all, this thing we called life. Fuck, I felt truly ALIVE. But then, the unsettling feeling came over me and my mind told me to cherish this moment for it would not be this way tomorrow. And guess what? My mind was right. The next day, I couldn’t look at myself. I felt ugly. I felt gross. I felt I couldn’t do anything right. I felt like a failure – living at home still, working the same job I told myself last year I’d get out of to find my dream job. I made all these promises to myself and where the fuck were they now? It didn’t matter yesterday that I hadn’t accomplished all my dreams yet, but my shortcomings sure as hell mattered the next morning, my mind said they did. So that is what I focused on all day. I sat in front of the TV smoking weed until I reached the kind of high where you just don’t: don’t think, don’t move, don’t talk. 

My depression is interesting. I know how loved I am, it never blocks that from me. Sometimes it will try but I am able to swat it away before it solidifies into an actual feeling. I know I am not a burden on others, and I know my passing would hurt many. I mean this, not because I think I’m the greatest human to walk this earth, but I have felt death and I have seen it break those who I love. I have watched and experienced the passing of others and that is partially the reason I battle depression in the first place. That and the fact that is has always lived in me in some way. 

I take these thoughts seriously. I’ve never taken them as my desires or my truth but I do take them very seriously. Suicide is not selfish, not when you know what is truly going on inside someone, but that does not make suicide the answer. Please seek help if you are hurting, and fight with every ounce of you to stop the thoughts from becoming actions. It is easier said than done, I know. Suicide is not the action to take. Kill the thoughts, not yourself. Every living soul is different and every case of depression is different, but I believe that suicide is always the same in the sense that it does not solve anything. It only passes the hurt along. 

I’m going to try something new


I don’t have that many followers on my tumblr but I do know some people that I am friends with look at my tumblr fairly often so this is something I’ve always been extremely apprehensive about. 

But hi, my name is Alex and I am entirely unable to openly and honestly express my emotions. Partially because I’m afraid of rejection, partially out of habit, and partially because no one asked to hear about my emotions in the first place.

But I got a tumblr in December of 2010 because I wanted to be part of a community that helped me cope with things I was going through and helped me feel less alone. Yes, tumblr has given me that, but at a distance. I have yet to share really any part of myself with tumblr (let alone anyone else for that matter) and I’ve been using it for over 5 years! Really though, I have just consistently gone through my life like that, only being able to express a small part of my whole self out of completely fear. 

At this point that fear is subconscious. I never choose to separate my real feelings with those that I express. Now it’s just who I am in the presence of anyone. When I am alone is the only time I really feel myself, and even then its hard to really rationalize those feelings because I’m unable to share them with anyone else, and sharing feelings is a big part of coping and understanding.

I am truly terrified that I will never fall in love because I am incapable of sharing any vulnerable part of myself. And isn’t a large part of being in love just letting yourself be completely vulnerable and honest with another person? I don’t even know how to tell my own mother that I love her because I’m so beyond terrified to share that feeling. 

Hi my name is Alex, and this is the first time I am sharing a true and honest part of myself with anyone in the world that chooses to see it. I know it is poorly written and I know some of it may not make any sense but this is my first attempt at trying to open parts of myself up that I never have before. This is one tiny step towards change I hope to see in my future.

Hi my name is Alex and my dad was arrested a year ago. My mom dates men that are old enough to be my brother/boyfriend. My brother and I barely speak. I am consistently consumed with overwhelming jealously of my friends with “normal” families, yet I simultaneously understand that there’s no such thing as a “normal” family.

I have this consistent fear that I had an emotionally scarring childhood that I am repressing entirely and, because of that, I can’t even remember the moments that cause all of my anxieties/depression. 

I was bullied a lot as a kid, I spent all my time alone, and my parents fought all the time. My life is nothing crazy, but it was never anything that simple either. 

I spend so much of my time wishing I could vocalize even the littlest insecurities but I am just unable to even feel them in the presence of other people, let alone vocalize them in a way anyone will be able to understand.

I’m not writing this in hopes that someone will sympathize with me. I’m certainly not writing it in hopes that people I know will find it. I’m writing it because I need to start learning to share my honest self with other people. Even if at first those people are strangers that follow me on the internet. And even if those strangers don’t even care or like what I’m writing about.

Maybe some of you people feel this same way! Or maybe I did such a poor job at writing this that you have no understanding of how I feel at all.

But I just want to say that I have good and bad days. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed. Some days I don’t think there is even a future ahead of me. Other days I couldn’t feel stronger and more proud of who I am. Sometimes I want to make excuses and I want pity and I want to just cry all day long. Other days I want to prove that anyone who has even doubted me is completely wrong. Some days I am filled with hope and other days I feel so painfully empty. 

Hopefully I start being more transparent with those highs and lows. Maybe it will help someone else out there, too. Who knows. 

If there actually are people out there that follow me and read things like this, if you ever want to ask me questions or write to me feel free. 

Thanks for listening, random internet world.